To Be Loved
by betrayal kills
Summary: I Do Not Own Loveless.  Ritsuka gets terribly betrayed by his 'Friends', in his despair he heads down a road of self destruction.
1. the beginning

_It started out to be a very good day, mom was asleep when I went to school so I avoided her senseless beatings. When I got my report card back I saw that I had straights A's. My friends and I had a fantastic lunch together. It was nice Ritsuka thought to himself. _Sitting in his seat at school, he started to pack up his books as the bell rang. He walked through the doors of the school and was almost to the gates when he noticed Natsuo and Youji waiting just outside the school's gates.

"Now that's odd," Ritsuka mumbled to himself. Usually it was Soubi who greeted him here, trying in an attempt to be polite he said, "Hey Natsuo. Hey Youji."

Natsuo looked up at the mention of his own name, "Hey Ritsuka," he said. Truth be told he hadn't even noticed that the young man had snuck up on him, he was lost in thought and inspecting his left shoe for what seemed to be a hole in the side of it. "Ritsuka," Natsuo asked slowly, " Youji and I wanted to know if we could talk to you in private. Would that be alright?"

Youji smiled at the black haired young man, " We would talk about it here but it seems a better idea to go somewhere private and discuss this."

Not knowing what to think Ritsuka agreed cautiously, giving the two of them a very, very confused look. "alright," he stated slowly, "But where would we go? I don't know of anywhere 'private' we can go to talk, where it will be just us… do you?"

Natsuo smiled, "I do know of such a place we can go to. Since Soubi made us a copy of his key, we can go there." he started to walk in the direction of Soubi's new apartment, he turned around to make sure that the others truly were following him and not sitting on their thumbs like he expected them to be doing. Apparently satisfied, he turned backed around continued on to Soubi's house. Upon reaching the house he unlocked the door and allowed Ritsuka entrance first.

As Ritsuka walked into the big apartment, he stopped to stare at it for a few moments. He knew that Soubi had recently moved to a bigger place because of Natsuo and Youji, he got tired of having those to steal his bed before he got home from his classes, and being forced to sleep on that awfully tiny couch. Soubi was a skinny guy but hell he was tall, Ritsuka hadn't been able to sleep on that couch since he was thirteen, and he was only 4' 5" back then now he was shy of being 6' tall. Still Soubi had him by at least 6 inches, and he slept on that couch every night since these two arrived. He noticed though that while he had been looking around, Soubi was nowhere in sight, which meant that Soubi was still in class and wouldn't be home for a while. Making his way over to the couch, he sat on it and waited for the other two to do the same before speaking, "So what is it that you guys wanted to speak with me about?" he asked shyly feeling very awkward knowing that it was only the three of them.

Ritsuka was suddenly spun around to face Youji, who had grabbed him by the face with both hands and pulled him up to meet his lips, in what seemed to be a very passionate but one sided kiss. Embroiled in the kiss Ritsuka hadn't even noticed that Natsuo had pulled some stuff out from underneath the couch until, that is, he had tied Ritsuka's hands above his head. He felt him reach past him to tap Youji on the shoulder. Must've been some kind of signal he supposed as the two of them hauled him up onto his feet and into the center of the room, they hooked his restraints up onto the hook that was hanging from the ceiling. Ritsuka started to flail about and was screaming as they tore his clothing off his body even though he knew that nobody would hear him. "Why?" he shouted. "Why? Why are you doing this to me?"

Not being able to stand all the racket he was making, Natsuo pulled out a ball gag and forced it into Ritsuka's mouth. He also decided for fear of being kicked, to tie down Ritsuka's feet. Once they had his feet tied down, Youji got down on his knees and very gently kissed Ritsuka's manhood. Ever so slowly taking it into his mouth. Bobbing his head along the mans shaft, he reaches around and finds the lube, handing it over to Natsuo.

Opening the bottle he spread some onto a couple of his fingers, and without warning he slipped those fingers right into Ritsuka, there was no gentle widening of his entrance, no caution so the young man didn't get hurt. They were shoved in just long enough to lube him up for a slick entrance, and when Natsuo was sure that he had been properly lubricated he slowly removed his own clothes and shoved himself into Ritsuka, pounding himself into the young man over and over.

Ritsuka prayed fervently in his head that Soubi would come home and be a witness to this madness, and hopefully set him free. He winced in pain as Natsuo shot himself in and out of him. To Ritsuka it seemed to be an endless torture, when one man finished the other man started, an endless circle. Just back and forth, back and forth, it was humiliating. Despite his best efforts, they managed to get an erection out of him. Frustrated not being able to move a muscle, or even cry out his release as he came. It was a very confusing moment for the young man, he didn't know how to feel. He felt violated, outraged, saddened, scared, and very confused.

A seemingly satisfied Natsuo and Youji looked at Ritsuka before they took him down off the hook and untied him, " I swear to god Ritsuka you tell anybody at all what happened and we will kill you." with that parting statement they left, leaving a very frightened and shaking Ritsuka in their wake.


	2. the end?

Ritsuka sat alone in Soubi's apartment for hours, wondering what he should do or say to the tall blonde. Ritsuka couldn't exactly leave; they ripped his clothes to shreds. He sat right where they left him and very shakily considered all of his options; he could borrow some of Soubi's clothes, or maybe call Yuiko and have her bring some of his own before Soubi got home. He got up on trembling legs and stumbled his way over to the bathroom to inspect his wrists. Glancing at the mirror, he saw himself, earless.

_Oh no!_ He thought to himself in horror, _My Ears! Mother will kill me for sure. What will Soubi say? Yuiko can't see me like this either, she would have a heart attack._ Shutting the door to the bathroom behind him, Ritsuka leaned against it and slowly slid to the floor, his heart slowly breaking as he realized that he was so ashamed of what had happened to him; what he let happen to him, that he didn't want anybody to see him. Not Soubi, not Yuiko, especially not his mother or father. He was running out of options.

He had decided that borrowing one of Soubi's outfits would be the lesser of evils, given his choices. Ritsuka had to hurry and pick out some clothes so that he could leave quickly, if he didn't and Soubi arrived before he was gone, Soubi would make Ritsuka tell him everything about it. Soubi would want to know every little detail. Ritsuka however was not ready to die yet, and being very fearful of the threat, whether or not they truly meant it, decided to heed their warning. Trying to make his way to Soubi's room as fast as possible, he stumbled picking himself up and continued on. He was picking out some clothes from the closet, planning how to disappear, and where to go so that nobody would ever find him when Soubi walked in to the room.

Soubi saw that the lights were on, so naturally he assumed that Natsuo and Youji were inside; doing what they normally do, play video games and try to beat one another while playing. What he wasn't expecting was to bump into his very frightened and flustered young sacrifice. He gave him a once over trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong, "Ritsuka, are you al-…." He started to say when he noticed that not only was Ritsuka wearing _his clothing_, he was _earless_. _When did Ritsuka become earless and with whom? He wondered._ "Ritsuka? When did….? How….? Why….?" Soubi asked with extreme concern, it was then that he noticed Ritsuka's wrists were raw. He didn't give away his virginity like Soubi originally thought, it was taken forcefully. "Ritsuka were you attacked? Be honest please. How did it happen, where, and by whom?"

Feeling overwhelmed by all of it, Ritsuka turned away from Soubi. Feeling very ashamed of what had happened and not wanting a repeat of it, he lied to protect himself. "No I wasn't attacked; we just got a little out of hand is all."

"What about your wrists?" he knew Ritsuka was lying to him, he just didn't know why.

"Oh this?" he lifted up his wrists to point to the rope burn in question, "I wanted my first time with someone else to be really kinky… you know like some of the stuff in Kio's books."

"Ritsuka, I'm your fighter. Please, be honest with me. I would never let somebody continue to put you in harm's way. Please, if someone did this to you without your consent its rape. I'll protect you from anyone and everyone; if only you will let me. If they threatened you I need to know. You can't let them get away with it." Soubi murmured soothingly to the young man.

Ritsuka denied even harder that he had been raped and tried even harder to convince Soubi that he had wanted the sex.

"Ritsuka, I know you can't go back to your mom's house. Stay the night with me and we will figure out how to get some clip on ears and a tail for you, so that you can go to school and not get beaten senseless by your mother every time she see's you. Okay?" Soubi asked, trying only to make Ritsuka's situation a little better if nothing else.

"No that's okay Soubi, thanks though. I was going to spend the night with Yayoi at his house." He smiled at Soubi, and ran out of the house as fast as possible heading in the direction of Yayoi's place. As soon as Ritsuka was out of site of Soubi's house, he doubled back making his way over to the nearest convenience store and purchased a small box cutter. Sticking it in his pocket, he walked back to his house and snuck in through his bedroom window. Climbing onto his bed he curled up and started to sob for the first time that night. Ritsuka pulled the box cutter from his pocket and opened the packaging. He looked and the blade for a long moment feeling a new kind of sadness. He wanted to tell Soubi the whole truth, but he didn't want to die. He wanted just to rush into the blonde mans arms and just let him make everything better, and to tell the older male that he was in love with him. Why he didn't though, was because he was afraid that if he did tell Soubi, Soubi wouldn't love him back. Or maybe he would reject the younger man because he had been raped. Ritsuka didn't think that he could take a second heartbreak; the first was having his virginity ripped away. He had wanted Soubi to take him for that first time.

His attention returned to the box cutter in his hand, and without thinking, he sliced his arm. Suddenly, all he could feel was just the quiet calm. He wasn't sobbing anymore, he wasn't dwelling on his maybe/maybe not relationship with Soubi, or what he would say to whomever if asked about being earless. Unsure of how long it would last he cut himself again and again. He cut himself so many times that both his arms were tore up, finally satisfied he put the box cutter down and sloppily wrapped up his arms. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought that if he were to cut himself maybe no one would want to shove him down or try to tie him up again and use him the way that Natsuo and Youji did. Maybe everyone would just leave him alone. With that final thought he locked his bedroom door and pulled the blankets over himself and went to sleep; not realizing how much blood he had really lost.


	3. saved

Soubi watched as Ritsuka walked away, as soon as the younger man was out of sight, he pulled out his cell phone and called Kio.

"Hello? Sou-chan you never call me… what can I help you with?" Kio asked Soubi curiously.

"Kio… Have you ever shown Ritsuka any of those dirty magazines that you like to read?" Soubi asked bluntly, not being the type of person to beat around the bush.

"No! I would never Soubi! Ritsuka is only seventeen years old," Kio yell outraged that Soubi would ask him such things. Then he paused to ask, "Why do you ask?"

"Ritsuka told me that he wanted his first time with someone else to be really kinky, like some of the stuff in your books. Ritsuka won't admit it to me, but I think that he was raped. They must have threatened him too because he has never lied to me before. It's unusual that he would start lying to me now. I think he's hurting really bad right now. Will you come with me and we will go talk to him about it? I've just got this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach." As he was on the phone with Kio he puttered around his home putting together a first aid kit, thinking that his mom for sure beat him at the sight of him being earless. "Kio, I've almost got the first aid kit put together. I have this feeling that I'm going to need it. I will see you over there." He flipped his phone shut, without even so much as a goodbye. He added a needle and some thread to stitch the boy up, if he had any deep gashes that his mother could have caused and he race over to the younger mans house. Without bothering to greet Kio, the two of them gave a quick glance at each other then immediately began to climb up onto Ritsuka's balcony. Slipping through the young man's window after Kio, he froze in horror at the sight of Ritsuka laying there unconscious and bleeding to death.

"Kio, you are going to have to hold him down so I can stitch up the worst of his cuts." Soubi said, forcing down the horror and heart-wrenching sadness he felt. He pulled some stuff out of the med kit, pulling off the bandages that were sloppily put on to begin with. He began to clean off the younger mans arms, while Kio knelt by Ritsuka to hold down his arms as Soubi began to sew him up.

Ritsuka, however, was unconscious from the blood loss and didn't budge as Soubi patched up all of his self inflicted wounds.

"He's not dead right Sou-chan? He's not moving… I'm very worried." Kio whispered softly, becoming more and more worried every second that passes by.

Eventually Soubi had closed all of Ritsuka's wounds, working swiftly but carefully so Ritsuka didn't continue to lose blood, "He will be fine, he has to be. You can go home now, if you want to. I'm sorry I ruined all of your plans for tonight." Soubi said grimly, as he stared at the younger man. He had sewn up all of the major wounds, and then he bandaged the rest of the wounds with gauze and medical tape. He had to wonder though, what had happened to Ritsuka that would drive his young love to attempt suicide.

"You should tell him you know…you need to tell him that you love him Sou-chan. I know he loves you too; I can see it. You need to tell him though, because he needs to hear it. He's hurting right now, thinking that there is no one in this world that loves him." He sat down in front of Soubi and crossed his legs, glancing at the younger man he continued, "I think that if you don't tell him right now… next time it will be something else, something that isn't so easily fixed."

"I know. I know. I just wanted to wait until he was of age to do so. He is only seventeen. I didn't want to tell him, because I know he loves me. It would make things too irresistible, and I didn't want to put either of us in a situation that we would later regret. I wanted him to come live with me and make love to him when he was out of harm's way. I need him to fully understand my intentions and be ready, so this type of situation would never occur. But this," he motioned towards Ritsuka, "I will HURT whoever did this to him. I never thought anybody woul-"

"Stop! This is not your fault!" Kio cut him off of his babbling, which he was sure was about to turn into a self degrading rant.

"But it is! I just know it, it happened in my house. I never gave Ritsuka a key because he usually calls whenever he wants to come over, and I don't keep a spare key hiding anywhere so…" Soubi said sounding distressed.

"Natsuo and Youji!" Kio and Soubi said in unison.

Soubi could barely speak, he was extremely concerned for Ritsuka but he was also feeling very murderous at the realization that it was Natsuo and Youji who had inflicted all of the trauma, torment, and torture upon the younger man. Not only had they raped him but they threatened him, he was sure of that. He had no intention of leaving the young man alone so he decided that he would take him back to his apartment, and the he and Kio would take care of Natsuo and Youji while he was sleeping. "Kio… we need to grab Ritsuka and get out of here. But not before we dispose of the bloody blankets."

Soubi and Kio gently picked the young man up. Kio stood him carefully on his feet, balancing him very cautiously as Soubi took off his very long, dark blue jacket and put it on Ritsuka. They were almost the same exact size so it fit the young man perfectly. He buttoned up the jacket. It would not do to be stopped by the police on the way home with his bloody clothes on. They then gently laid him on the floor until they were done disposing of the blankets. Soubi tore off all of the blankets right down to the mattress cover which was bloody too. Thankfully though when that was stripped away there was no blood in sight on the mattress itself. They snuck downstairs listening for any signs of Ritsuka's mother. Locating the garbage sacks; they stuffed all of the blankets, including the mattress cover into them. They gently set the two bags by the door. The two of them tiptoed back upstairs to gently lift Ritsuka up onto Soubi's back for a piggy back ride, making it easier for Soubi to carry the skinny young man back to his place. Tiptoeing back down the stairs while still listening for any signs of movement or noise, they made it to the door. Cautiously opening up the door Soubi walked out first. Kio then grabbed the two bags and Soubi's first aid kit. Locking the lock on the door handle he carefully shut the door behind him with as little noise as possible.


	4. Soubi?

The three of them slowly but surely made their way through the night. Normally walking from Soubi's house to Ritsuka's house only took about fifteen minutes but because of how gentle Soubi was being with Ritsuka it took a little over a half an hour. When they reached Soubi's apartment, Kio dug into Soubi's pocket and pulled out the key that would open up the door. The entire apartment was black. Kio went in first to check it all out. He came back out just a minute later, "They are gone. Their stuff is gone too and the keys have been left on the kitchen table. They left in a hurry, it looks like they grabbed their duffle bags and just shoved everything in there."

"Damn." Soubi swore, "Nothing I can do about that at the moment though let's get him in here and clean up both him and his bedding. Let's see if we can get those blood stains out." he settled the young man on the couch and they set to work again, gently taking off the jacket and just cutting the ruined shirt off of him so that they wouldn't have to disturb those wounds. They gently unbuttoned his pants and very gently tugged those off quickly replacing them with some shorts, so that if he did wake up he wouldn't think he was being attacked again. They collected the bedding and threw that into the washer along with some stain remover and soap. He quickly rifled through the pants and his jacket making sure that nothing would get ruined if he threw those in as well. Returning to the living room they once again picked him up and laid him down onto Soubi's bed and covered him up with the comforter.

Soubi and Kio took turns sitting at Ritsuka's side. One would sit there while the other slept making sure that the young man could not accidentally injure himself in his sleep. After nearly two days of taking turns, the younger mans eyes blinked open and he groggily sat up wincing in pain as he did so. Ritsuka looked down at his arms and groaned inwardly. _'oh hell, he thought as he saw Soubi asleep in a chair with his head resting in his arms laying partially on the mattress, he knows I tried killing myself. He's probably even the one who stitched me up, saving my life.' _A fresh wave of guilt and despair washed over him, he let out a heartfelt sigh.

Soubi blinked his eyes when he heard something that sounded like a sigh escape from his young love. He looked up and noticed that not only was he awake but he was sitting up. Overwhelmed with joy he leaned over and gently kissed Ritsuka on the lips, not taking it any further than just the light brush of lips. "You are probably very thirsty and very hungry I'll be right back with some food and some water." He smiled at the younger man.

Ritsuka blushed furiously when Soubi kissed him, turning the brightest red he has ever been in his entire life. "What the hell was with that kiss?" he murmured to himself, "He's never shown that kind of tenderness in his kisses ever."

"He'll never tell you, you know. He's scared to. He thinks he was the cause of you being raped, and don't deny it because we both know that you are a terrible liar. He won't touch you because what he fears the most right now, is you freaking out the moment you two start getting intimate together." He spoke softly to the young man, making sure that he kept his voice low enough so that Soubi wouldn't hear him and throw him out for meddling.

Ritsuka was shocked, "Intimate? I wasn't even sure he really liked me. Why would we get intimate?"

"Ritsuka… You can't be really that thick headed, can you? Everything you do drives that man absolutely crazy. I don't want to scare you at all but every time he thinks of you all he can think about is how bad he wants you. He wants you to be the one who makes the first move, when you do that he'll know you're ready."

"Ready for what?" Ritsuka asked shyly.

"Ready for him. Ready for all he wants to offer you. Just ready." He smiled at the young man, "Don't mention to him that we had this chat. Okay?"

"Kio? What are you doing in here?" Soubi asked not having heard any of the conversation.

"Hmm? Oh just making sure that our young friend here is okay. He was out of it for two days after all." He patted Soubi on the shoulder as he walked out of the room.

"Hmmm... If you say so." he eyed the other man suspiciously as he watched him walk out of the room. Turning back to Ritsuka, he smiled and set down a very delicious looking omelet and some toast. "Eat Ritsuka; eating will help you regain some energy."

Ritsuka bowed his head so Soubi couldn't see, "You knew I was raped, and that I had been lying to you." he looked back up, he eyes showing all the pain and hurt. "I'm sorry Soubi. I'm so sorry. I really wasn't- I mean- oh hell. I didn't mean to give you a heart attack."

"I know." Soubi said softly.

Ritsuka began to nibble on the omelet that Soubi had handed him, he really wasn't that hungry though. He was lost in thought more than anything. 'Why had Kio chosen to tell him all of that now?' Ritsuka wondered. He felt so ashamed by his actions; the lying, the attempted suicide, he had made himself physically sick to his stomach and unable to eat. He continued to push around the food on his plate, wondering what his next step should be and how best to approach the situation between himself and Soubi. The young man sank down into Soubi's bed just a little, feeling more than just a little depressed, and feeling extremely overwhelmed by all of the information that Kio had just shared with him.

Soubi, noticing how uncomfortable his presence seemed to be making the younger man he walked out of the room leaving Ritsuka to his own devices for a little while.

As soon as he was out of the room, Ritsuka got out of Soubi's bed and began to stretch. It certainly felt like he had been passed out for two days, he thought to himself. as he was stretching, he suddenly remembered something that Yuiko had once told him, "She said that when she was really down or confused about something she would put on some dance music, something with a really good beat." he murmured to himself. 'It couldn't hurt to try out Yuiko's theory could it?' he thought to himself and looked around. His gaze finally settled on his ipod, that he had left here the last time he came over and spent time at Soubi's house. He put his headphones on and found a song with a really good beat to it. Feeling awkward he muttered to himself, "Here goes nothing..." he slowly began to dance to the beat not really putting any effort into it at first. The more time that passed by, however, the less awkward he felt about dancing in the middle of Soubi's bedroom, and the more effort he put into his moves. Eventually he had gotten so lost in the music that he hadn't even noticed when Soubi had opened the door back up.

When Soubi had opened up the door, he was a little shocked to see his young love put his whole heart into the dance moves. A small chuckle escaped his lips though when Ritsuka began to lip the words to the song he was listening to.

Kio, curious at what still had Soubi standing at the door of his own bedroom he walked up behind Soubi and watched the young man as well. 'Well now... that's interesting.' he smiled as he glanced from Ritsuka back to Soubi, who was watching every movement with rapt attention. He was about to push Soubi into going to join the young man, when whatever song Ritsuka was listening to ended and he pulled out the headphones; turning off his ipod and setting it down. He watched as the younger man jumped when he turned around, swallowing down a small scream he said," Just how long have you guys been standing there?"

"For a while," he smiled at the very hot and sweaty mess that was Ritsuka, "long enough to see just how limber you are."

Kio laughed at that, but Soubi was right, the boy was limber and damn he had some moves. He had to wonder though what had driven the young man to begin dancing like that. Ritsuka didn't look like anything had changed after his small workout, he didn't look any happier, any less confused. he did look as if he had come up with a plan for something though.

Trying not to be embarrassed that he had been caught dancing in Soubi's bedroom he rubbed the back of his head a little and said with a straight face, "I was trying to clear my head. Did you guys want to join in?"


	5. the realization

Grinning from ear to ear, Kio gave Soubi a push into the room. Without another thought, he swiftly closed the door behind him before the other two even had a chance to react.

Ritsuka looked at Soubi and took a cautious step forward, "It is okay if you don't really want to Soubi, I was only joking" he said softly, looking at how uncomfortable Soubi looked at being there with him. Being bold, Ritsuka took another step forward and smiled, thinking about his earlier conversation with Kio. "I do need to take a bath however, to clean off all of this sweat… and to re-bandage my wounds after the bath as well. Soubi," he paused, suddenly turning bright red and stared at the ground as he finished the rest of his question "will you help me bathe?"

Soubi wanted to chuckle as he watched his young love struggle to ask the question. He had to resist the urge however and instead politely responded, "Yes Ritsuka, I'll help you."

Ritsuka smiled up at him, "Thank you." He took Soubi by the hand and led him into the master bathroom. Shutting the door behind him, he took a minute to gather his courage. When he had finally mustered up enough courage, he turned around to face the older man. He grabbed Soubi by the back of the neck and pulled him down for a gentle kiss full of passion.

As Ritsuka's lips touched Soubi's own, he froze. For the first time, in a long time, Soubi was unsure how to proceed with the young man. The blonde inwardly groaned. _'Oh hell,' he thought. 'This is one of those moments where I could break every promise I have ever made to myself about him.' Slowly he began to respond to Ritsuka's sweet passionate kisses, unable to keep at least that much control over himself. 'Ah hell, a few of those promises can be broken. He is not twelve years old anymore. I vow to myself though that I will not make love to him until he has time to adjust, and turns eighteen years old. I will not touch him that way until he comes to terms with being raped.'_ He thought to himself, his new promise set firmly in place; he tangled one of his hands in Ritsuka's hair. The other hand snaked its way down around the young man's skinny frame. When the kiss ended, Soubi smiled as he watched the younger man turn bright red again as he asked him if Soubi would bathe with him. "As much as I would love to," he grimaced, "I cannot. I find you extremely intoxicating, to bathe with you right now, would be my undoing. Ritsuka right now, you are recovering from rape. Both mentally, and physically recovering. If I were to touch you now, in this moment of weakness, I would feel horrible for the rest of my life." He gazed into the younger mans eyes showing the wash of sadness that came over him. He gave the younger man another gentle kiss but filled with a fierce passion and promise. He watched as the younger man filled the tub with lukewarm water and some bubbles. Soubi turned away as the younger man pulled off his shorts and underwear, and did not turn around until Ritsuka was settled in the bath. He then went to Ritsuka's arms and slowly unwound the bandages. The sight was absolutely devastating; Soubi had to look away from Ritsuka's arms.

When Ritsuka saw the state of his arms, he gasped. He hadn't actually seen the damage he had done to himself. He was so detached from life at that moment he hadn't realized. Guilt washed over him, realizing too late that Soubi was in love with him. Had he only stayed and not have paid any attention to those two cretins; he would have realized that Soubi does care. If he had only talked to the one he claimed to love so much, he wouldn't have tried to die. He gazed down at the bubbles. 'What ifs, could have, should have, and would haves does not do very much good once the mistake is made.' Ritsuka thought to himself. He stayed silent throughout the rest of the bath. Glancing down at his arms, he sighed. "Oh god Soubi, the sight you must have seen. I'm so sorry."

"Why Ritsuka, why try to kill yourself? I was heartbroken to see you like that… Didn't you know that I am in love with you?" he spoke gently, not daring to let his emotions get the best of him. "I tell you all the time. I've told you that ever since I met you, I meant it when I said I love you."

"I heard you say it all those times, I just never believed it. How could I," he paused for dramatic effect "ever be loved? My name is loveless after all. And besides Soubi I was twelve, I didn't see how an adult could be in love with a child. And then, for some unknown reason I thought that since I had been raped, that you would no longer want me; that true to my name, I would be truly Loveless. I figured that if I did something dramatic, something that would scar, people would see me as undesirable. That people might just leave me alone." As he spoke his eyes glazed over, trying not to feel the emotions as he described them."

Soubi tilted the young man's head up to his so he could gently kiss him on the lips. "While it may be true that your name is Loveless, you are very loved. Instead of all the people who do not love you, think on all the people that do. Think of all the people who would sorely miss you if you were to leave this world. Just because I refuse to take you to bed with me right now, does not mean that I do not love you. If anything, that just shows my great love and respect for you even more." He gave him another kiss this one on the verge of becoming something more. "Would you like to step on out of the bathtub now, the water is getting cold. We will dry you off and re-wrap those bandages."


	6. mom

Ritsuka sighed as he stared off into the darkness that only night time can bring. Sighing again, he lay back on the railing of the balcony resting his head on the wood and stared at the stars. It's been like this ever since last week, he thought to himself as the memory of everything that happened came flooding back.

_Ritsuka had needed to go home and get some fresh clothes if he was going to stay at Soubi's house for a few days, and while the idea of sleeping in the older blondes t-shirts every night was a delightful thought he often entertained, however it wasn't really a realistic thought. The two of them had to be going through Soubi's entire closet by now and while it was time to be doing some laundry, Ritsuka felt that he needed to have his own clothes. So while Soubi was in school he left a note saying that he had to swing by his place and get some of his more personal items. "Like my underwear…" Ritsuka murmured to himself, he had been going commando for the last three or four days. Soubi had been very polite and offered to allow Ritsuka to borrow a pair of his own until he could go home to get his own, Ritsuka flat out refused. It was nothing against Soubi, it was just the idea was so weird. Arriving at his own house, Ritsuka let himself in and snuck up to his bedroom. He grabbed his duffel bag and was quietly stuffing all of his clothes into the bag when his mom hit him over the back of the head with a lamp. When he woke up he was tied to a chair, with her behind him holding one of their kitchen knives to his throat. "Mom? What on earth are you doing? Why am I tied up?"_

"_MOM? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME MOM!" She shouted at him enraged by the endearment. "You are not my son. My Ritsuka would never go whoring himself at such a young age and lose his ears. NEVER! I should kill you for even daring to call yourself MY RITSUKA." She started to shout again, pressing the knife a little harder against his throat getting just about ready to slit it when she decided that it would be too messy and decided to choke him instead. Drawing the life slowly out of her last son, she kept shouting at him. Calling him a whore, telling him he was never her son, and other things._

_Ritsuka was on his last breath ready to die, when the door to the house burst open and out of shock his mother let go. Gasping for air, Ritsuka opened his eyes long enough to witness an outraged Soubi backhand his mother sending her flying into the wall and watch as her body went limp. He then turned to Ritsuka and untied him. "Thank you for saving me… Soubi…" he said softly and passed out cold as Soubi picked him up._

Ritsuka sighed again as he thought that nothing was ever going to change. He had been healing his wounds ever since that first night that Soubi found him in his room bleeding and on the cusp of death. Soubi had dutifully explained to all of his teachers that he would be coming in and collecting all of Ritsuka's homework for him and also be home teaching him for a while. Explaining about his mom, and such; apparently the teachers understood as they let Soubi take a copy of all their lesson plans and once a day for a few hours Soubi went over it with him and then also went over the homework him, making sure he kept up with all of his classes. Once an assignment was done, Soubi immediately went to turn it in either that day or the very next day depending on what time it was. Soubi's excuse was that he wanted to make sure that Ritsuka could graduate this year with all of his other classmates, while that may be true Ritsuka was also pretty sure that Soubi just wanted to spend all the time that he could with him. Sitting up, he swung his other leg so that he was sitting, facing the neighborhood.

"I keep trying to show him that it's okay to touch me. That I won't break," he stared down at the ground. "Kio says I drive him crazy, Soubi says I'm intoxicating. If I'm so intoxicating why hasn't he laid a hand on me? It's been almost two months since I was raped. While I can't change what happened, I just have to accept it and move on. And I want to move on… with him. I want him to be the first person I give myself to. I just can't understand why he hasn't made a move, when I keep putting him in positions to do so." He said quietly to himself.

He heard the door click open and swung his legs back over the patio and hopped off going to the door to greet either Soubi or Kio.

"Hello?" Kio said as he walked through the door. He set the bag he was carrying down on the counter.

"Where is Soubi? I thought he was with you Kio? Well that's okay I need to talk to you anyway." He said softly.

"Oh yeah?" Kio asked curiously. "What about?"

"You told me that he wanted me to be the one to make the first move, that if I did he would know that I'm finally ready to accept him and all that he can offer me. Remember?" Ritsuka sighed frustrated. "I keep trying to make the first move, and every time that I do, he tells me that I would be his undoing if he were to touch me now. What the heck does that even mean? I don't understand Kio… I thought he liked me."

Kio saw the very sad look on Ritsuka's face and said, "He does like you Ritsuka. I wish that I could explain it to you Ritsuka but I think that this is one of those things that you two really need to talk about."

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Ok Everyone I Dont usually put A/N's on here but please be sure to review my story good or bad and let me know that its actually being read. i have the next chapter ready to be typed up and posted, but unless people actually review i may not continue with this story... so please please please send some reviews my way!

Thank you kindly,

betrayal


	7. the fight

A/N: Thank you TheTwoWriters XD and 102faith103. Yes i know that whether its 1 or 100 reviews there is always some one who's curiousity is peaked and wants to read this. At the same time though it makes a person feel better to know that the people who are reading this really do like it, and it helps to keep quitters like me to keep motivated and continue on. Please everyone, Keep reviewing. It lets me know that you guys wait with baited breath for the next chapter.

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Ritsuka shot out of bed in a cold sweat. It took a minute for him to realize that nothing in his dream had actually happened. He really wished that it had been real, maybe he wouldn't be as sexually frustrated as he was right this second if it had actually happened. Sighing Ritsuka flopped back on the bed. Who was he kidding, Ritsuka thought to himself. Soubi was never going to touch him. Ritsuka sighed losing himself in thought, never noticing that the bed was moving as Soubi shifted his position to turn around and stare at him.

"Ritsuka are you okay? What's wrong" Soubi asked with concern evident in his voice.

Ritsuka jumped as he was ripped from his thoughts, and jerked around to stare at Soubi. "I'm sorry Soubi, what was the question?"

"Are you okay? Is something wrong?" he repeated for the second time.

"You want to know what's wrong Soubi? I was dreaming." Ritsuka said with a slight blush to his cheeks threatening to become even redder than they were already.

"A dream? That doesn't sound so bad. Why would your dream wake you up in the middle of the night? Why would you dreaming be a bad thing?" Soubi was confused, dreams were supposed to be good things not bad. He puzzled at how Ritsuka's dreaming could lead to the boy being covered with sweat.

"You want to know?" he smiled down at Soubi as he sat up and straddled the blonde's nearly naked body. "Let me show you."

Ritsuka laid his body across the length of Soubi's and kissed him slowly at first building up to a fierce but passionate kiss. He bit gently at the older man's bottom lip begging for access there.

Soubi reluctantly deepened the kiss. Ritsuka sighed knowing that the older man was going to push him away again, just when things were beginning to heat up between them. When the kiss ended Ritsuka sighed again and pulled off of the sexy blonde.

"Was that it? We kissed in your dream and you woke up in a cold sweat?" he teased gently.

"No… not exactly…" Ritsuka stammered as he turned a nice cherry red, "um… we had… well we had… sex… in my dream"

"And that's a bad thing? Soubi asked confused. He was astonished that Ritsuka's dreams were what was keeping the younger man awake at night.

"Well no…" he sighed and the added, "and yes. No me dreaming about us having sex doesn't bother me, but at the same time it does. It leaves me very frustrated knowing that you love me but don't really want me; that you are never going to lay your hand on me and do it all for real. I wake up right as orgasm hits, and realize that none of it ever really happened. Do you know how truly depressing that is? To have the person you desire and love sleeping right next to you night after night and never laying a single finger on you, only to fall asleep and that person pushes you down and makes sweet passionate love to you?" at some point Ritsuka had gotten up off the bed in the middle of his rant and begun to pace around Soubi's bedroom. At the end of his speech he took in a few breaths and turned bright red as what he said to Soubi finally registered in his brain. "I-I'm sorry Soubi..." Ritsuka said as he started to flee the room.

Soubi caught him by the wrist right as the Ritsuka was reaching for the door. "What do you mean knowing that I don't really want you?"

Soubi pulled the raven haired young man into a kiss filled with passion, longing, and desire. "Oh I want you, badly. I'm just not sure we should be having sex while you are still a minor. It drives me crazy, just so you know, that you sleep next to me and I can't just push you down and go at it with you." He sighed and let go of Ritsuka, "It's not just you. I'm going crazy too."

"Prove it." Ritsuka turned around to face him and gave him possibly the best eye contact he'd even given the man before. "You say that you want me, that it drives you crazy sleeping next to me every night. I'm tired of being pushed away by you every time I aim for intimacy. I need you to prove it or I need to start sleeping in a different room until I can find somewhere else to stay. I cannot and will not keep subjecting myself to this. I love you and always will but I cannot stay if nothing continues to happen."

"You want me to prove it?" Soubi said as he pushed Ritsuka up against the wall. His hand wandered up Ritsuka's chest and buried it in his hair. Tilting his young love's head back, he bent down and pressed a kiss to Ritsuka's jaw, just under the chin. Soubi kissed his way down Ritsuka's jaw, onto his young love collar bone and gently sucked. Eliciting a few quiet, breathy moans from Ritsuka. He stopped for a moment and looked at the collarbone and saw a hickey there. Deciding that he liked leaving marks on Ritsuka he kissed his way back up the young man's neck and left a few more. Once his young loves neck and collarbone had been littered with enough marks, he kissed his way down Ritsuka's chest and over to a soft pink nub. Without warning, he gently sucked and nipped at it.

Ritsuka's eyes suddenly widened and almost immediately closed again as he moaned again, only louder this time. Seeming unable to help himself he tangled his hands into Soubi's hair.

When he was done torturing the now hardened nub, he decided that the other one deserved similar treatment. He kissed his way down Ritsuka's body until he got to the shorts that the young man always slept in. He looked up Ritsuka's body at the young man, and his breath caught in his throat. God Ritsuka is so beautiful, he thought to himself. Soubi shook his head a little chiding himself for getting lost in thought, marveling at the amazing expressions on Ritsuka's face. Pulling the young man's shorts down, he was surprised to see that Ritsuka was not wearing any underwear. Pulling the shorts the rest of the way down, he released Ritsuka's painfully hard erection. Licking the underside of Ritsuka's dick, he slowly came back up and engulfed Ritsuka with his mouth.

Ritsuka groaned, wanting to shove himself all the way into Soubi's mouth.

Right then, the door opened and Kio got about two feet into the room before he realized that Soubi and Ritsuka were going at it. Unable to move, unable to look away but turning bright red at the same time, he stood there like a voyeur.

Soubi and Ritsuka jumped away from each other when they finally noticed Kio. Ritsuka flustered, was trying to yank his shorts up. While Soubi, went over to talk to Kio.

"Kio. This is not the best time to be here." Soubi said softly, trying to gently move the man out of his room.

"I'm sorry, I heard Ritsuka's moaning. I thought he was in pain, I didn't think you guys were… I mean you had said… remember?" Kio stammered.

"He was going to leave me." Soubi said with his eyes cast down on the floor.


	8. kidnapped

Ritsuka glared at Soubi and Kio, who were both by the door having a hushed conversation. _'They can have their damn conversation,' Ritsuka thought to himself, 'damn Kio I was finally getting what I have so desperately wanted for such a long time now and Kio walks in at the start of it.' _

Ritsuka walked over to the dresser and started to pull things out of it. He threw on a shirt that he pulled out; pulling out a pair of boxers and a different pair of shorts he walked over to the closet. Stepping inside, but not bothering to close the door because neither Soubi nor Kio could see him from where they were standing. He changed out the shorts that he was currently wearing for his boxers and some denim shorts. He looked around on the floor and found his sandals. Putting them on and without a second glace he walked out of the bedroom using the door that led through the bathroom and out into the hall. He walked though the house and out the door trying to get some fresh air if there wasn't going to be any sex.

Kio and Soubi hadn't noticed when Ritsuka left; they had been discussing the argument between Soubi and Ritsuka when he had quietly made his escape. However, when they did notice they had both just assumed that he had left the room.

"Soubi, I'm sorry! I didn't think he would leave." Kio said with worry. The last time couple of times that Ritsuka had left the apartment he nearly died. Kio thought he would have a heart attack for sure if the young man was injured, he knew that if the Ritsuka died Soubi would slowly die himself, drowning in his grief at the loss of his beloved Loveless.

"Kio, we have to find him. We just have to. I don't want to lose him, not in any definition of the word." Soubi said hastily changing his own clothes and throwing on his shoes. He looked outside to see that the sun was beginning to rise. He looked at the clock, seeing that it was 5:55 am. Once his shoes were on and he was fully dressed he flew out the door hoping to find his young love before anything happened, leaving Kio to follow suit and help search if he pleased.

Ritsuka had found himself in the park where he and Soubi first met. He smiled to himself as he noticed the table where he and Soubi had shared their first kiss, without realizing it he made his way over there and sat down. He screamed inwardly to himself, 'Why? Why does everything have to turn out this way? I don't understand why I can't just seem to have one happy moment where everything just goes as it should. Just once, that is all I want.' He sighed and looked around. They had been coming to this park for years. This park is where his crush first started. He wondered what time it was he hadn't even bothered to look once since he got up and got into it with Soubi. The sun was coming up though, so it had to be right around six. He continued to stare off at nothing, occasionally looking at the school children who were getting up for the day and heading off to school. Ritsuka winced when he felt something hit the back of his neck; he grabbed at it and brought it around to see that it was one of those dart thingies that put people to sleep. "Aw hell…" was all he got out before he collapsed and fell off of the picnic tables' bench.

Soubi and Kio frantically searched everywhere they could think of: Ritsuka's house, the school, the convenience store, etc. After hours of searching and finding nothing they made their way back home stopping off at the park by the picnic table that they always sat at whenever they came. Soubi noticed on the ground a snapshot of Ritsuka with a letter attached to it. "Kio wait…" he called out to the blonde that just kept walking.

"What?" he was confused. He turned around to see Soubi open up the letter and sit down to read it. Curious, Kio went and sat down next to him and patiently waited for Soubi to say something. What he didn't expect was Soubi to get up and start to walk off without him. When he got up and started to follow, Soubi said, "Don't follow me. They have him. If you come with me they're going to kill him. Just go home Kio. Just go home, and stay there. I don't know where exactly this place is that they want me to meet at, but don't worry. I don't know how long I'll be gone for, but I am getting him back. I won't lose him, not to those fucks anyway."

Kio watched as Soubi walked away. A feeling of uneasiness settled into the pit of his stomach. He didn't want to go home and just sit around, instead of just listening to Soubi, he decided to follow the taller blonde. He followed Soubi right onto the train, watching out the window as the train left the station. It took them out of the city and into the wide open fields with lush grass and green trees. Kio wondered where on earth they could be headed; the train just kept going and going, he thought that they would never get off. He alternated between gazing out the window, staring at Soubi to see if this is the stop that they would be getting off at. He wasn't alternating enough he decided as at the very last moment he noticed Soubi get off the train. Kio himself had to run and push people out of the way to get off in time. The short blonde wondered how Soubi managed to be so angry and lose his cool. He continued to follow the taller blonde right up until the hit a school. He stopped in his tracks, not wanting to continue on. Kio couldn't out his finger on but something was definitely off about this school. "why would Ritsuka be here?"

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